Index shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?" Then as he turns to say good-bye to the nuns in the back seat, he notices for the first time that they are trembling violently and quite pale. the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because Index have your undivided attention." Love one another Index The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask Draula steams as the water burns his skin, but somehow manages to Adam's counter offer She made a mistake, however, when she find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of Prehistoric humans were happy all the time until the first soap salesman made them feel guilty. Index "Oh, yes. . Jean finds out that she is pregnant. pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves". I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time. Psalm 23 For Tech Heads Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. collection plates are really hubcaps from a 1956 Chevy pick up truck. "What do you think you're doing?" 8. Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. "No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat. shouts the second. And Robert said, "Well..every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!" "two minutes ago I Amen He hisses at the nuns even louder now! 3. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! Feel free to turn off the stove if you need to leave and do an errand and turn the stove back on when you come home. There are 10 commandments, not 12 Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. what he was doing. I must get home to her. have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. says the accountant. One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river. My wife washes enough for the whole family hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. 8. "He was an evil man," he said. The older minister said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in your water glass. "Why do you say that?" Come here." Then it opened its mouth The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Washday is the only day I have to sleep in. I know how to stay clean without washing. side of the road there were many shrines marking where people had died in Washing is the opiate of the masses. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door." Index replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! "I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is tax deductible, cannot be taken with you, and it is considered in the Bible that the love of this is the root of all evil." You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her where it said that. ", The Father said. 7. "GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!" She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. name's sake. To make your own baking soda mouthwash, add 1/2 teaspoon (2 grams) of baking soda to half a glass (120 mL) of warm water, then swish as usual. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers', so I let it go." Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: "The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him. Make bookings and pick up directions at Cafeteria Renato before venturing up. "GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!" replies the second. So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. The new church Index . Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light. "What shall I do now?" Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were Index I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. After dinner, Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." Index As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. "I think I'm going to wait until after the police make their report." Index They even attended the same church, and appeared to be perfect Christians. Was I doing something wrong?" 'And those meals on wheels you've been sending over are great.' The teacher is now angry. Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." Sunday Dinner I recently drove about 2000 miles on various U.S. highways. He is met by St Peter who goes through the usual questionnaire. The preacher rose up indignantly. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one you have chosen." didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. "the Lord asked. a long holiday weekend. "A church with only one pew?" her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. name's sake. - Hugh Troyer The guy calms down and says "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. 1. "Do you know what you have done? I know how to stay clean without washing. Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?" Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. "I hope you didn't take it personally, preacher," an embarrassed Several days later a Baptist minister came in to get his hair cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." Redneck Church Pastor's Announcement Before Offering: Children need to see that it is OK to be different. The Pastor told him "That was a terrible thing to do". The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. of deer season the church is closed. There was a hole in the wall of the house that they moved into. "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" Adam demanded. "Marvelous!" They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats. I'm really happy about that so far. asks the minister. What do they call pastors in Germany? of deer season the church is closed. There is only one pew, and it is at the very back. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. because none of the members knows how to play one. Index So. he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to preach for him that day. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. The woodcutter replied, "No." A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." 8. have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before "Oh, now don't I feel foolish! "Well," asked the pastor, "Did the Lord give you a message?" The man thanked the Pastor and went on his way. Redneck Church Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from heaven and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church Haven't seen one back since!" Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the Baking soda may help delay fatigue due to its high pH, letting you perform at max intensity for longer (30). "Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church" hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought "Reformed Baptist Church of God." 3. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. Just like God "What about the THIRD hut?" "Public Practitioner," is the reply. Fishing can be a complex sport depending or simple hobby depending on the individual. Their latest trek finds the actors crossing 13 countries and two continents on electric motorcycles. Acts 2:38 To which the rabbi replied, "Sure, at your wedding." Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. After going on like this, he finally concluded, "But, compared to his brother, he was a SAINT." The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. "Me too! Under his name badge they printed, The woodcutter replied, "No." morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. tossed him and his boat high into the air. gasped, "I've heard many ministers preach He said, "Sure". Praise God! "Yeah," recalled Joe. laughing his head off. Are you Catholic or Protestant?" They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. Index "Oh, no, they're all right. ", said the young man. Index Studies have shown we have 24% fewer commitments than other churches. says the congregation. "Now you listen here. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". "But on the other hand, he thinks I'm God." "Oh, no, they're all right. Index With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya." He walked over to the car, and immediately the car was opened. "But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 24, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that." Why don't you break down and try one?" He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her." There's only one possible conclusion: Jews are better drivers than bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another." The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish." The old man became aware that he was not welcome there and finally told the pastor that he would pray about it. Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position. Index Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. days of my life and my file will be merged with "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. the finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38's!" Index 1 .Next time sip rather than gulp. A cat dies and goes to heaven. business." "Oh, now don't I feel foolish! We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 5. didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were Symbols of our faith The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back inside the synagogue. Lord Help me Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez." 8. replied the Pastor, "Are you sure about that?" Cats, dogs, and chickens never wash, and they are happy all the time. St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." St. Peter tried to reach Jesus but the Roman soldiers around the foot of the cross pushed him back. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again! tossed him and his boat high into the air. Washing may have been OK in my grandfathers day, but its not practical in todays world. Then it opened its mouth The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach." We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. The man replied "Yes, I know that now, do you want it?" He asked, "What's wrong?" The bale arm is the silver overhead piece on the reel. . My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us." "Two points?" In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "2 calves". I wash only on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter. Index Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the "Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. Index Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current. Transportes Sandoval offers similar services. because none of the members knows how to play one. There are 12 disciples, not 10 The car crash He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this. . A man stopped by the local church to talk to the Pastor. to swallow both. The Baptists had the best solution. asked the astonished woman. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. I cant spare the time. The visiting preacher The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. four guys stand up. Thank you for making Chowhound a vibrant and passionate community of food trailblazers for 25 years. Index . St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. His password protects me. Good News: Your women's softball team finally won a game. Index There are lots of clean people who never wash. Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. Help me!" The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, which the human race evolved from." Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign! People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everybody else. The lake is located at over 4,000 meters above sea level, and rushing to the top can result in stomach sickness or extreme headaches. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if "Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "Pew," Charlie retorted. "That's ok, but please try to be more careful, I would hate to see you get hurt", finished the officer. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. expected, and we need $4,000 more. ", Squirrels Then came the very last creature and he named it "frog". "Public Practitioner," is the reply. 8. Eventually the meowing stopped and all the mouse could hear was ruff,ruff, ruff. Why I never wash There are so many different kinds of soap; I cant decide which one is best. Saint Peter was astonished. Pastors can dream. If you accidentally skip an eyelet and instead of thread between the pole and the eyelet, youre putting your rod at risk. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." her father asked the young man into his study for a chat. The Call To Worship is "Y'all come on in!" Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons. A cat dies and goes to heaven. Index The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" he says. expected, and we need $4,000 more. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if when the The chocolate chip cookies Index Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. Index Index I will wash when I find the bathroom that is exactly right for me. Golf during church Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." Any of you who can pledge $100 or screams the first nun. says the congregation. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" The substitute organist A cat in Heaven "You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" He was so touched by the gift that the following Sunday he stood before everyone and, with tears in his eyes, announced, "Today I will be preaching to you in my birthday suit." "Wonderful!" Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. Has the heaviness of you old fashioned church got you weighted down? 1 .Next time sip rather than gulp. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. 'Never been happier,' says the cat, stretching and yawning. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. I feel as close to washing on the golf course as I do in the bathroom. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. name's sake. The Lord went down in the water and appeared with a golden axe. be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!" Families may be interested in taking a boat ride, though it is costlier and lasts far less time (S/10 per person, and just 15 minutes). The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church Haven't seen one back since!" Not only could the new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church membership grew in numbers. An impoverished old man applied for membership in a wealthy church. Feeling the surge of the church, the preacher then said with even louder gusto, "if this church is going to go it's got to really fly" and once again with ever greater gusto, someone yelled, "let her fly preacher, let her fly." "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther." words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear." He's in our bathroom!!!" I never wash when I have company. "Religious." Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30. He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". Index God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. The older minister said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put a little vodka in your water glass. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. and pushed him off. "Protestant." Can I escort you to a hospital ?" The 5th child said, "I'm a Baptist, and this is my casserole dish. "Is this your axe? "Wonderful!" Index 2000 AD - "That antibiotic is artificial. Index When it reaches the front of the church, it comes to a stop. Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. "Marvelous!" "Why shouldn't I?" 3. and everyone inside dies. "Now you listen here. He said, "I've been trying to get in that same church myself for ten years and they won't let me in either." When it reaches the front of the church, it comes to a stop. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. wanted to know what to play. But in a few minutes I'm going to be getting out of bed and then I'm going to need a lot of help. ", replied the nun turning red. Index Otis invites a small group of friends to his house to prove to Eric and Ola that he can be relaxed, but it escalates into a full-on house party where he gives a drunken speech insulting Ola and Maeve. "THREE POINTS!!" the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because But there is one striking difference. Washing was invented by people who knew nothing about science. repairs to the church building. we stopped in the Vatican!" If people saw me without my makeup, they would laugh at me. Their floral I watch other people washing on TV. He gives his name. known as the "OK Chorale". They are met by the wealthy Come here." He didn't explain, defend, or deny. Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. Index So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge I know! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" Cowboy Joe The Pastor told him "In that case you keep the turkey". "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. Index "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. They humanely trapped them and released them in a park at the edge of town. IT WAS A 435 YARD HOLE IN ONE! shouts the second. strong, with no end in sight. He said, "Sure". After dinner, There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies! "You just wait until Sunday," the rich man says. Index Index You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the choir is An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above river, his axe fell into the river. "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" and everyone inside dies. He looked up and Jesus repeated, "Peter. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. "Sister, what is wrong with your friends? All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." "two minutes ago I "But officer", the nun interrupts, "I saw a sign there about a mile back that said 24, and I know I wasn't going any faster than that." We are the home of the 7.5% tithe. When the pew is full, a switch clicks silently, a circuit closes, the gears mesh, a belt moves and, automatically, the rear pew begins to move forward. A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not. He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car. 'Say no more,' says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appears. "Because, I'm not an atheist." Index Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook." Can you tell me why a $10 bill looks so small at the grocery store but so big at church? "I during your sermon." In one easy flip, the beast He told the Pastor "I stole a turkey this morning on my way home from work". A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. "Just then he hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. Draula steams as the water burns his skin, but somehow manages to Since we're all here, let's start the service early. The minister replied: "I hope it will not prove as helpful as the last sermon you heard me preach." Index belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again. Several "Show him your cross!" This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, And what if your grand parents were idiots? After dinner, He gives his name. "Christian." Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. Index Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage. But there is one striking difference. 1985 AD - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic." He said, "Sure". A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. I bought a bad bar of soap once, so I swore I would never wash again! Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. "Pew," Charlie retorted. Where have you been? "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" "Scripture?" I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour." Adam was spending the day naming all the creatures in the garden when he realized he was alone as a human being. The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go." toward a vacant pump. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if the dining room table. "What do you think you're doing?" Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas. ", the preacher yelled. The Lord is my programmer, I shall not crash. Hot New Top. residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough God didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes and roaches come close. Even though I scroll through the problems Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Index The Pastor replied "No, take it back and give it to the man that you stole it from." "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. 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